be rather than appear

Forgive but how to forget?

There are people out there that have a photographic memories. They read something and they can pull it up at anytime like a human google search. My brother Aaron is like that, never had homework, did it all in class, graduated with honors etcSmart mfer. I’m the opposite. Tell me your address or phone number, it’s gone before I can write it down. But ask me about the first time I said a curse word (shit, 2years old), the first time I kissed a girl (4, amber, fort Mohave) and it all comes flying back. I can recall things that happened to me over the years with crazy clarity. I can recall not just key moments like the first day of school or first time I punched someone (sorry Tyler), but the silly things, like the second day of school. But mostly, I remember the people that have wronged me.
It’s been an ongoing battle in my head. I hold grudges and wrongdoings like its a job. It sucks my energy. Yeah sure I forgive people, move on, don’t dwell etc but the second I see them, it all comes back. I remember the first time I got called a scrub, 7th grade. My parents had racked up a bit of debt, so I had basically enough clothes to last a week. I got on the bus for school as usual, when this kid, Cody secor goes” hey didn’t u wear that last week? Are you poor or something. F*ing scrub.” I was embarrassed for sure. Hurt a ton. It wasn’t my fault we didn’t have enough. I wanted to kill this guy, he was a little rat but unfortunately his cousin gene had hit puberty at five years old and outweighed me by a hundred pounds. So 7th grade I rode the bus everyday in shame, always holding my breath for the torment that might follow. Years later my closet is overflowing with clothes from sponsors and superman shirts, a testament to that burning moment. I buy ANYTHING Juliet wants. It’s been years, but I’d still slap the ish out of him if we crossed paths.
I could go on and on, throwing names out, the stories never ending. The problem for me is, it goes with friends and family as well. I hold wrongdoings up front. It effects my judgement and decisions. My mom is really sick right now. She has a tumor on her kidney, and a bit of stomach cancer. I haven’t talked to her in a long time. No point in talking about why. But I think it’s time to forgive and try to forget. I don’t want to wait until its too late. Enough people have died in my life for me to know this doesnt last forever. So with great regret ill be leaving Thailand soon. Not for good mind you, this place still has my heart. My dad owes me a hug as well. I’m getting too old to be unforgiving. My daughter is too great of a joy for me to have a cloud on my heart.It’s time to remember the good and forget the bad. It’s time for peace.

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6 responses

  1. Epris Powelson

    Amazing bit of writing JJ. Glad I never wronged you hahahaha!!!! Because i’m awesome!!!! but it is definitely a great piece of writing, got me thinking for sure!!!!

    June 19, 2013 at 8:13 pm

  2. Gerry brooker

    my prayers are with you, life is short, unpredictable and full of things we have no control of.What I learned over the last year is we think we have control, we don’t. That God has a path for us. Love is strong. that God gives us a PEACE that passes all understanding.
    Letting go going on , letting go of pride, and stepping out of our box is hard ,but so easy when you do. Sorry to hear about your Mom, Love what you wrote. Gods Speed , Gerry

    June 20, 2013 at 10:44 pm

  3. Crystal

    God works in mysterious ways. He guides us along an unknown path, but we always end up back with him. Take it from my last year of life, life is WAY too short to hold a grudge. I believe you use your grudges as motivation. Don’t “beat” yourself up about it. Give yourself some credit. I’m so proud of you for writing this and for coming home. I obviously know the story of your mom and it makes me very happy to hear you are coming back for her. The Brookers will always have your back. Let us know what we can do for you and your family. I love you kiddo.

    June 24, 2013 at 11:04 pm

  4. Tales From My Vagina

    That’s a hard thing to do but well worth the struggle.

    August 4, 2013 at 10:22 am

  5. Tales From My Vagina

    That’s a hard thing to do but we’ll worth the struggle.

    August 4, 2013 at 10:24 am

  6. In my 20s I spent a lot of time burning bridges, salting the earth, etc. Right before going into Peace Corps I decided to try to heal some of those old wounds. I addressed some nagging issues – like a teacher who had publicly embarrassed me in front of my classmates. I sent emails and gave apologies. Even if none messaged me back, I was healing myself. And surprisingly, many of those relationships healed. I heard back from that teacher and that resentment was gone.

    Teaching forgiveness and kindness is a gift you can give to both yourself and your daughter. Good luck on your path!

    And my thoughts and heart go out to your mother. I don’t know you personally, but that’s rough news for anyone. Jedi hugs to the two of you and those in your inner circle.

    August 21, 2013 at 11:37 pm

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